phlex

On Suicide

I’ve often loved the idea of writing suicide notes for fun… and so that is what I will start doing. Maybe a whole series of them, or maybe just this one! We will see if there is any motivation in suicide! At the moment I hope there is.

Suicide Note One

So if, as I’ve said many a time, I have loved life so much, why choose to end it? To maybe put an end to the sweetest of nothings, whispered softly into my mind, from the left brain to the right. Maybe it was the loving something that could never love me back. A life spent watching as an observer, never finding the strength to contribute, if only for the never learning how. Feeling alienated by even myself… that ‘living’ of life that exists only in the head, and around the people I apparently love no less. Answering questions within myself, but never uttering a single coherent response. I would wonder if this is how other people lived their lives. Where my deepest and darkest secrets were myself. Never sure if I was afraid to share myself, or if I just didn’t see the point. Maybe it was the compiling of endless lists, so that I could offer excuses as to why I wasn’t who I really was. But then you always have to wonder. The skeptic’s skeptic - unsure of the validity of even my own thoughts. Years spent trying to believe that identity doesn’t exist, that people needed no ‘meaning’ to live happy lives, and so I have to ask myself why was it so important to me. I love life, this is true, but life is something completely foreign - communicating in symbols I could never decipher, using only nouns, as adverts for this modern way of life. Cars. HARDDRIVES! Love. Sex. Death. Laptop. Cake. An empty world filled with empty souls. People have willed nothing worthy.

And so, this is for you, the people who lack the ability to accept responsibility. Those who would rather take down everyone, so maybe they can feel just in receiving another chance. Relentless complaints of loneliness, and you still wonder why. Dear God, I want to escape these people… these things that just leech, and play victims, and point their condescending fingers at everything good and willing. Everything I ever wanted, and in the end it was nothing but simplicity. Avoiding the race towards modernity. And so, this is for you, the children of broken homes. Those that still point their fingers, in all directions, except the one that matters. How these people can consider themselves the centers of the Universe, and yet never throw any blame towards themselves? For those of us who know nothing but of parents and siblings, all ending up shattered, pushed further away from love, as if it ever existed except in their minds. To think, how simple this thing called love is, but always holding out for something larger, better, younger and reliable… how you all disgust me. Accept responsibility for your actions you damn swines… accept responsibility not for me and my people, but for yourselves. Why ruin everything you touch? Why be happy only at the misfortunes of others, and the condescending gaze from across your blinkered vision. Be your own damn failures… please… and if it takes suicide to live up to your misguided fantasies, then so be it! Follow me, for maybe my only reason to exist is to rid the world of you people. But I am not here for your amusement. You destroy me once, twice, and so it continues. Hold your head up high, and maybe once, or even twice, you will find yourself, and it will not be so bleak, never as bleak as you imagined it. And so, this is for you, the takers of simple living. The people who hold on, who live through others, whether through art, or action. I cannot bare to watch this world anymore, the mediocrity, the unforgiveness… the passing comments that mean nothing, but yet still destroy everything in its way. I grant you failure, building cancers out of scaled skins and false witness. Destruction, is this is all you will ever amount to? And so, this is for you, the givers of nothing. The realisation that this life, everything we have, is less fortunate than the lives of others, as if others had anything to offer anyone. I bid you all farewell, and if there is a God, I hope you never see His face.